The View From the Wasteland

September 21, 2020

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One of the things that often brings couples into therapy is the discover/disclosure of an affair by one of the partners.  There are many ways we can examine the impact of affairs.  I had considered alternate titles to this blog such as “Advantage: AP” (noting that the affair partner always has the advantage over your […]

Agape Love

August 15, 2020

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“The Christian ideal has not been tried and found wanting. It has been found difficult; and left untried.”  G. K. Chesterton   I remember when “Can’t Buy Me Love” by the Beatles was a hit.  I was just a kid at the time.  Though I liked the song, I didn’t know what a “cambami love” […]

Critical Mass

August 6, 2020

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One of the tricky points of conflict to handle is when one partner is distressed about the other’s weight (that is, when one is critical of the other’s mass).  It is even a thorny issue to write about.  I will try to do it justice in 1000 words or less. First, you can’t control your […]

Is He/She Worth It?

July 27, 2020

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Way back in 1983, Billy Joel released an album titled “An Innocent Man.”  The title track was a ballad in which the singer is committing to being a safe and healing person for a woman who has been badly wounded from past relationships.  Essentially, he recognizes that how she guards herself in the relationship is […]

Should Christians Go To Therapy?

July 24, 2020

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Pastor Bryan Stamper offered this short video addressing the question of whether Christians should go to therapy.  I thought it was worth sharing (and didn’t require additional comment from me) so here it is. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IUyfl0eO3JQ&feature=youtu.be Blessings.

College of Marriage Online

July 20, 2020

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College of Marriage is now available online at  https://www.rbcommunity.org/event:5o9W3vqBIEYRbYt90GJrGu College of Marriage is a 15 week marriage enrichment curriculum written and presented by my colleague, Carolyn Klusmeier and myself.  The lecture portion of the classes is now available on video.  You can also download the Powerpoints and the exercises.  The classes were 90 minutes, but […]

Reassuring the More Vulnerable Partner

July 13, 2020

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We all go into close relationships with two basic questions: 1) Am I loveable? 2) Are you safe for me?  Humans, not being binary but somewhere on a continuum between extremes, are somewhere between a “yes” and a “no” on these questions.  If we took an internal family systems approach, we might say that there […]

A Farmer Looks at 60

July 5, 2020

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Humorous references are a lot less amusing if you have to explain them.  I originally conceived this post around the time of my 59th.  I thought the reference to “A Pirate Looks at 40” by Jimmy Buffett was pretty obvious.  I figured every boomer on the planet knew that song.  I asked a couple of […]

A Mission of Discovery

June 29, 2020

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This post came from working with some couples who are recovering from some significant violations in the relationship.  There are occasionally couples who are able to get to a place of forgiveness and functionality, but don’t have the same romantic feelings for their partner that they did before.  This can also happen even if there […]

Spiritual Continua

June 22, 2020

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How are you doing spiritually?  I don’t mean have you read your Bible and prayed today.  Those are important spiritual disciplines, but they aren’t ends in themselves.   This isn’t a question about how you are doing at pursuing holiness, though that is also a great spiritual pursuit.  What I want to know is, “How are […]