Gorillas? Really?

Posted on January 9, 2014

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Some say that no one writes tender romantic love songs anymore.  I have to disagree.  As a case in point take the poignant lyric to Bruno Mars’ recent hit “Gorilla.”  What could be more romantic than the promise of “you and me, baby, making love[1] like gorillas” coming from a man with “a body full of liquor with a cocaine kicker?”  I realize that pop music lyrics are an easy target, but gorillas? Really?  And it’s a hit, so someone is finding something appealing about this song.  How is this unhealthy sexuality?  Let me count the ways (with apologies to Elizabeth Barrett Browning).

First, for the ladies.  Run away.  If this man’s appeal sounds at all enticing, you probably have some trauma in your history or some significant family of origin issues that you really should examine in therapy.  Someone who talks this much game is bound to disappoint.  A man would not do this much talking unless he had something to prove.  Frankly, it sounds like a male fantasy of having tremendous sexual prowess, but is really describing an act of violence.  There is a difference between passion and eroticized rage.  This is the latter.  You don’t really want a man tearing out handfuls of your hair while you bang on his chest, do you?  Additionally, if you are always reaching for a sexual experience of greater intensity, that is one of the diagnostic criteria for sexual addiction.  Just as drug and alcohol tolerance is a sign of dependence, so is the need for increase intensity in sexual behavior.

Gentlemen.  Sex is about relationship.  A woman with a healthy self-image is not going to go for this.  You would do better to take an interest in her, her feelings, her views on life, her disappointments, and her hopes and dreams, than to be bragging about your sexual prowess.  Think this through logically if a) you were really that skilled at pleasing a woman, and b) sexual technique was what mattered most to women, then c) your last lover (assuming you have had one) would still be with you.  You wouldn’t be drunk and high trying out this bravado as a pick up line.  This also suggests that you actually don’t like women.  You may find them sexually attractive, but you have a lot of rage toward them.  You, too, might want to take a look at that in therapy.  Additionally, if the neighbors are calling the police, that might be a clue that your sexual behavior is causing problems in your life.  A sexual addiction therapist might be helpful.

Healthy sexuality is about pleasure and connection.  Our brains are wired to have us attach to our partner.  Sex kicks up the dopamine and endorphins and releases the hormone, oxytocin into your brain, which causes you to attach to your partner.  In surveys, happily married people report that highest level of satisfaction with their sex lives.  This is not because they have mastered the mechanics such that intensity of their sexual experience causes the neighbors to call the police.  It is because ultimately sexual satisfaction is rooted in relationship.  It is in our biology.

Gorillas?  Really?  Are you trying to compensate for something?


[1] As an aside, intercourse may be part of “making love,” but the two are not inherently interchangeable.  “Making love” seems to imply a loving relationship as part of the sexual act.

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