The 150th Post

Posted on December 23, 2014


“Everybody’s got to love somebody sometime.  When you do, I hope you never part.” Graham Gouldman (Listen People)

“If you find somebody to love in this world, you better hang on tooth and nail.  The wolf is always at the door.”  Don Henley (New York Minute)

“You stood apart in my calloused heart, and you taught me.  And here’s what I learned, that love is about all the changes you make and not just three small words.”  Frank Turner (The Way I Tend To Be)

“If you can stay, then, darling, so can I.  I’m bound to you, and all that it means. I’m bound to you, there’s no in-between.” Shawn Colvin (Bound to You)

We are at the end of another year.  As I pointed out last year at this time, just as you cannot step into the same river twice, you cannot get therapy from the same therapist twice.  We are not blank slates, and we bring who we are into the therapy room.  So here’s where I am at.  I got into this line of work because I have a passion for seeing marriages healed and flourishing.  That is still my passion.

So let’s keep this simple.

  • Love your partner.
  • Be the kind of spouse you would either want your child to choose or become.
  • Be nice.
  • Be kind.
  • Be patient.
  • Drink your fill of sex in your marriage and be faithful.
  • Don’t keep secrets from your partner.
  • Your partner has a reason for what he/she says and does. Seek to understand that reason.
  • Feelings are neither right nor wrong. They just are…and they are powerful.
  • You can’t control and are not responsible for your partner; you can control and are responsible for yourself.
  • An explanation is not an apology.
  • Empathy (understanding) beats an apology.
  • You can still apologize even if you had no ill intent.
  • Understanding does not mean giving up your voice in the relationship.
  • Winning the argument means that you both feel understood, loved, and valued.
  • In a fight, there does not have to be a bad guy. There does not have to be a right and a wrong person.
  • If you messed up, own it.
  • Choose to be the healer.
  • Don’t make things harder than they have to be.
  • The love that first drew you together was real (even if your present pain makes you question it).
  • Be patient.
  • Be kind.
  • Be nice.
  • Love your partner.

If you can do these things, it is cheaper than therapy.  If you get stuck, therapy is bunches cheaper than attorneys.

I don’t know if I will be able to keep this up weekly next year, but we will see how it goes.  The practice has been leaving me less time for writing.  Largely, I consider that a good thing.

Thank you to my clients who have trusted me as a guide on this part of your journey.  Thank you to those of you who have found this blog worth reading on a weekly basis.  I hope it has been helpful.

Have a great Christmas and a wonderful new year.  As Tiny Tim said, “God bless us, every one.”