Contaminating The Fantasy (Part 3 – Someone Else’s Trauma)

Posted on May 10, 2015


To make my points in this post, I need to be rather explicit.  Let me begin with the warning that this has adult content.  My editor (aka my wife) thought it was too explicit so I toned it down.  I thought it was made the point more forcefully as I had originally written it, but I trust her judgment.  There is no point in asking for someone’s opinion if you are just going to ignore it.  Also accepting your partner’s influence is an important part of a healthy marriage.

Let’s talk about porn, prostitutes, strip clubs, and adult bookstores (bathhouses, parks, rest stops, etc.).  Let me give you my point up front, and then offer some defense of it.  All of these are a form of sexual abuse.  You are participating in someone else’s trauma repetition in which you are now cast in the role of the abuser.

There is a fantasy (pursuing the higher high, this image of perfection desires me) and a rationalization (no one is hurt by it, consenting adults, providing someone with a livelihood) that goes with all of these activities.  These are, of course, just that, fantasy and rationalization.  They are not real.  Let’s rain on that parade with a little reality check.

How many young girls do you suppose had a childhood dream of making their living by having sex with strange men?  How many boys grow up with plans to hang out in adult bookstores offering oral sex to strangers?  My answer would be “none” unless they had endured some sort of abuse or neglect.  It is not a line of work (or pastime) that healthy individuals choose.

One of the ways in which human beings (and let me remind you this is a human being and not just a set of orifices) sometimes cope with trauma is by trauma repetition.  Sometimes this is as simple as continuing to get into unhealthy relationships that look a lot like the relationship with the opposite gender parent.  At other times it is by reenacting the trauma.

If you are participating in any of the above activities, it is not victimless.  You are taking the role of the abuser in someone else’s trauma repetition.  Hopefully, you wouldn’t cheat someone to take advantage of their mental impairment.  The moral implications would be similar if you are taking advantage of someone else’s emotional injuries and impairment from past trauma.

If someone said you were a sexual abuser would you be offended?  If so, you might want to rethink any of the above behaviors.  That’s the role you are in.

The fantasy that drives one to utilize these forms of sexual acting out is just that, a fantasy.  It isn’t real.  Even if you pay to live it out, it still isn’t real.  There is more going on here than just an exchange of money for services rendered or consenting adults cruising to find a sexual experience together.  There is a tragedy being repeated, a childhood trauma being exploited.  If that reality is too painful, you might want to get some therapy rather than continue the acting out.