How are you doing spiritually? I don’t mean have you read your Bible and prayed today. Those are important spiritual disciplines, but they aren’t ends in themselves. This isn’t a question about how you are doing at pursuing holiness, though that is also a great spiritual pursuit. What I want to know is, “How are you doing?”
You don’t really get true transformation until you realize you are loved whether you get any better or not. Like most everything else in human personality and life, things are not binary. That is to say, it’s not that you are doing great spiritually or you’re not, it’s that you are somewhere on a continuum between the extremes. Further, your experience won’t be static; it will change over time.
Let’s consider how true these statements seem to you. You know what the right answer is, but how true does it really feel.
- I am loved.
- Completely False.
- Neither True nor False.
- Completely True.
- I am accepted/acceptable as I am.
- Completely False
- Neither True nor False.
- Completely True.
- God delights in me.
- Completely False.
- Neither True nor False.
- Completely True.
- I belong.
- Completely False.
- Neither True nor False.
- Completely True.
- Everything is going to be alright.
- Completely False.
- Neither True nor False.
- Completely True.
The first four statements are about how you see yourself before God. Can I really believe that God who knows every terrible thing I have ever done and said still thinks I am pretty great? The last one is about how much you trust that God has your back and how much peace you have from that. It may also depend how you define “everything being alright.” Barring the second coming happening in our lifetime (which every generation for the last 2000 years has expected), we all are going to die. You may get a disease that isn’t curable. You will lose people that you love. Tragic things happen. How much can you hang onto your faith and peace in difficult and uncertain circumstances?
If you’re hoping for a one size fits all answer to how to master this, I’m sorry to say I don’t have one. Things that might be helpful vary by individual (your temperament, your past experience, and whatever it is that gets in the way of claiming these truths for yourself). The aforementioned spiritual disciplines can be helpful. Surrounding yourself with other people who speak truth into your life can help. Being securely attached to a life partner is certainly good for your spiritual condition. Human beings are made for relationship.
There may be family of origin issues or past traumas that are getting in the way. It is possible to have internalized a message that you are not lovable and/or a colossal disappointment. Let’s call that what it is: a lie from the pit of hell. Frequently, we have difficulty separating our experience of our heavenly father from that of our earthly father. If you could never measure up with dad, it may be hard to internalize that you don’t have to with God. You are already accepted.
We are called to pursue holiness, but the reasons for that are 1) to have God’s highest and best for you; 2) as an act of love for your Lord; 3) to have God’s highest and best for the others in your life; 4) to give credibility for your witness. You are already loved and accepted whether you get any better or not.
Perhaps part of the answer is to fast from the negative thoughts that come at you. Hang onto what is true. If you can do that, it is much easier to have healthy human relationships. If you are grounded in your worth and identity in Christ, it is much easier to not make about you things that are not about you. If someone else’s distress is not received by me as an attack on my sense of self, it is much easier to respond with empathy, compassion, and understanding rather than defensiveness. The flip side of that is also true that it is easier to keep healthy boundaries with my spiritual identity well grounded.
In the research on couple’s relationships (courtesy of the Gottman’s), they talk about negative sentiment override versus the positive perspective. The masters of relationship are able to maintain a positive perspective which gives your partner the benefit of the doubt and an assumption of good will. The relationship disasters get stuck in negative sentiment override in which things your partner says and does get interpreted through a negative lens. If you can keep yourself in a better place spiritually, it is easier to keep the positive perspective in your relationships.
Do what’cha gotta do to hang onto the truth about yourself. Your relationships will be better for it, and by extension, so will your life.
scottwoodtherapy 
Posted on June 22, 2020
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