Reassuring the More Vulnerable Partner

July 13, 2020

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We all go into close relationships with two basic questions: 1) Am I loveable? 2) Are you safe for me?  Humans, not being binary but somewhere on a continuum between extremes, are somewhere between a “yes” and a “no” on these questions.  If we took an internal family systems approach, we might say that there […]

A Farmer Looks at 60

July 5, 2020

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Humorous references are a lot less amusing if you have to explain them.  I originally conceived this post around the time of my 59th.  I thought the reference to “A Pirate Looks at 40” by Jimmy Buffett was pretty obvious.  I figured every boomer on the planet knew that song.  I asked a couple of […]

A Mission of Discovery

June 29, 2020

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This post came from working with some couples who are recovering from some significant violations in the relationship.  There are occasionally couples who are able to get to a place of forgiveness and functionality, but don’t have the same romantic feelings for their partner that they did before.  This can also happen even if there […]

Spiritual Continua

June 22, 2020

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How are you doing spiritually?  I don’t mean have you read your Bible and prayed today.  Those are important spiritual disciplines, but they aren’t ends in themselves.   This isn’t a question about how you are doing at pursuing holiness, though that is also a great spiritual pursuit.  What I want to know is, “How are […]

Permission

June 16, 2020

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You’re an adult.  You can do what you want.  You don’t need permission. Many partners bristle when they feel that they have to get permission from their mate to do things they want to do.  I wish we had a better word than permission.  It seems to imply a parent-child sort of relationship.  I don’t […]

Complaint Department – Upstairs

June 9, 2020

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I was listening to a sermon over the weekend about complaining to God.  Essentially, the pastor was comparing and contrasting David’s pouring out his complaint in Psalm 142 with the complaining of the Israelites during the exodus.  His point was that there is not a problem with complaining to God and, in fact, that can […]

Any Conversation Can Be Had Constructively

June 1, 2020

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Do you have some hot button topics that are sure to result in a fight?  How about some things that really bother you but you don’t want to say anything because you fear it will just blow up?  You find yourself sucking it up because you don’t like confrontation? I don’t like conflict or confrontation […]

Delighted In

May 25, 2020

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“He will take great delight in you; in his love he will no longer rebuke you, but will rejoice over you with singing.”  Zeph. 3:17 The majority of my clients are fellow Christians who sought out a Christian therapist because their faith is an important part of their lives.  Between my role as a therapist […]

Really, What is it About That?

May 19, 2020

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Your mate does some things that really bug you, huh?  When (s)he does that thing they do, it really makes you mad.  Can I invite you to reflect on what it is about that thing that upsets you so much?  If you answered, “It’s just rude?,”  let’s try to dig a little deeper.  The question […]

Attachment Injuries Revisited

May 11, 2020

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My wife and I were recently listening to an audiobook that was a biography of Paul Simon.  Since I can’t help but see relationships from a therapist’s viewpoint, I couldn’t help but reflect on the ongoing rift in the relationship between Paul and Art Garfunkel.  Before I go down that path, let me define my […]